A Quaking Heart and an Ego Rent in Two

Posted: May 10, 2013 in Life

Dear reader:

There’s no sense in going further.  After all was said and done, the fact remained, I fell for it again.   When will I ever learn? And it began with a rush of wind; a blistering hope that was poked and prodded but left to scab in the open air.

She was looking good, really good. Far beyond me.  And for moments at a time I felt like another man; wholly another man in the shade of her smile.  Someone worth her effort, worth her affection.  There was no time to tell her, left it up to the gods to do that. But they were silent last night. Silent like the screams into my pillow.  Felt like the first grade fool I always knew I was; a chump even.  But there I was, longing for her touch, silently begging her to calm the wolves of my desire.  Leaving crumbs like clues, desperately hoping she’d follow them.  But the wolves prevailed and they devoured me.

I don’t have the strength to live in that world; never the man worth the effort. Worth the affection. Sad to report I am less a man and more a bundle of meaningless words.  Words that get me nowhere.  Mediocrity is my first and last name and I can’t erase it from the blackboard.  Never been good enough, never will be.  And yet, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I fell for it again.

I’ve often think of castration.  Thought about it so much it scares me: perhaps Origen was on to something.  Of what use is thirst if water is far off and undrinkable.  Or rather, it is my fountain that is tepid and forgettable. Utterly unworthy to hold such flowing water.

Here I am, dear reader: angry, besmirched, feeling foolish beyond measure for even having entertained thoughts of her.  Alive and wide awake in an ever gathering dark and I cannot contain it. It consumes me more and more, day by day, night by night.  My cup overflows with the filth of my existence. And I am but a bundle of meaningless words.  Expressions that go unheard.

Does she wither at the lack of me? Does she writhe into her pillow cause I’m not there?

There’s no sense in going further.


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