First Words in December 2011

Posted: December 1, 2011 in Current Events, Life

Dreams are so real just before waking…

Two things inspired this post:

1) I had a dream about my mom

2) Today’s post over at The Musings Of Thomas Verenna (tomverenna.wordpress.com)

I sit on the cusp of my 37th year of life (Dec. 27, in fact). The final month of the year is so different. It is in many ways just like the first month in that it settles us into a reflective mood. A reckoning, as it were, about where we are in our lives. As the new year approaches, I’m always reminded of that scene in one of Virginia Woolf’s novels, Mrs. Dalloway I think it is, where one of the characters holds their life in their hands and presents it to their dead parents, almost as if to say: Here’s my life. Here’s what I’ve done with it.
This morning I awoke from a dream where my mother showed up. I love those dreams because they capture a stark and vivid sense of her I’ve not experienced since her passing a decade ago. They mostly always end just at the most realistic part, where it feels so real, begins and I abruptly encounter the world of consciousness again. That part I don’t like so much. But it surely leaves me with an abiding sense of my life in the few seconds of utter silence before my mind starts going and “thinks” that feeling into an oblivion.

I could say I’m far from my dreams. That is to say, so far from my goals in life. And often feel as though they’re drifting further away. But I remind myself that they do and will unless I do something about it. And there in lies the beauty: I can still do something about it. This is how I get through days where my job seems mundane and meaningless. This is how I fight through the emotions that tell me all is lost. This is how we fight, or “rage” as Dylan Thomas so powerfully encourages us to, against the dying of the light. It’s the simplest fact in all the world. I am alive and I still have the power to change and affect my life.

“Life is short, but it’s the longest thing we’ll ever do” –Thomas Verenna

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